Evanescence
by The Tambourine Man
Summary: Rhea confers with the staff and students of Garreg Mach to learn about the increasingly bizarre behavior of the Black Eagles. The truth is... quite odd. It erupts into a bizarre disaster that could swallow Fódlan. (Spoilers for Rhea, Seteth, and Flayn)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: This Fic contains bad spelling, Fódlan slang, mentions of vampirism, clueless people, and Out-of-Character Black Eagles. Reader discretion is advised.**

It was rare for Rhea's audience hall to be so crowded. Most of the teachers at the officer's academy and two-thirds of their students were there, as were her most trusted leaders of the Knights of Seiros. The door was closed and barred, and the guards had been instructed to take care of anybody who loitered outside. Rhea had only realized after they'd shut the door that she should have been clearer not to kill them, but at this point she would just have to hope for the best.

"So then, I understand that there have been some… issues… among the students this year?" Rhea asked, doing her best to maintain her well-practiced tone of regal calm and hoping everyone ignored that she was currently holding an unopened bottle of red wine. She might need a few sips of it before this meeting was over.

"'Some issues'? SOME 'ISSUES'!? Manuela asked. Her makeup had barely covered the redness of her eyes before it had started running again. "What we have here is well beyond 'some issues'!"

"I concur." Hanneman added. "What we have here is a situation that has no known precedent in the history of Fódlan. And what a fascinating incident it is! This could completely alter everything we thought we knew about Crests."

"This is pretty annoying" the third professor, Byleth, added. He was once again as expressive as the average corpse.

Seteth cleared his throat. "Perhaps we could start from the beginning. Manuela, if you would."

Manuela took several deep breaths before she began, "It started about two months ago. I was having class like always, but when Edelgard asked me a question, she called me "Manual". I don't think she actually noticed. I tried pointing it out to her, but she just got testy with me and insisted that she'd gotten it right. At first I thought she was making fun of me, but a bit later she called me "Manuela" again. I though it was just a mistake she didn't catch, and figured it was nothing."

"If only we had been so lucky." Seteth lamented.

"Two days later, Caspar called me 'Manolo'. I don't even know what that means, but he didn't seem to notice. I was thinking I had become the butt of some class joke, only for Linhardt to call him 'Custard'. And somehow neither one realized that wasn't the right name!"

"And that was hardly the only problem. Everyone's mood seemed to get worse and worse. Edelgard started getting mad and countermanding me every time I corrected her. Dorothea seemed to scowl all the time. Caspar seemed to lose his enthusiasm. Hubert… well, actually, aside from getting words wrong he pretty much stayed the same. Even Bernadetta snapped at me. At first I thought it was just, well, you know… But it didn't get any better. Her mood just got worse and worse."

"Hmm." Rhea said thoughtfully. "This can be a rather… difficult time in a person's life."

"Unfortunately, this goes well beyond the usual issues of teenagers. Continue, Manuela." Seteth said.

"Around this time, everyone started losing interest in class and started getting more interested in… well… each other…" Manuela said.

"Sounds pretty normal." Byleth said. "Sylvain thinks about girls far more than any of his studies."

"Guilty as charged!" Sylvain added.

"Well, yes, that does happen to some extent, depending on the person, but among my class, things got a bit… excessive." Manuela said. "Edelgard was always more interested in class than romance, but suddenly we found her glued to one or another of the boys in her class. Dorothea and Petra didn't seem any better, except for the times they were following Edelgard around. We even found Bernadetta making out with some of the boys." Manuela shook her head. "I'd like to think that was just her getting less shy, but with all the other weirdness I doubt it. And for that matter, most of the boys suddenly seemed far more interested in the girls. And each other."

"And these were some _volatile _relationships. I could barely keep track of who was dating who at what time. I think at one point Edelgard started dating and broke up with all of the boys in a single day, but they seemed to keep getting back together to."

"Maybe they were just learning from you." Felix said, earning a glare from all eight of his classmates.

"That certainly sounds difficult," Rhea said, "But I still don't see why this would be so strange."

"Their language kept getting worse. They went from just mangling names to getting words wrong at random. It seems like they can't get through a sentence anymore without getting at least one word wrong." Manuela said, "But things entered a whole new stage about three weeks ago."

"First of all, everyone was late to class." Manuela said. "I was waiting by myself in an empty room for two hours. I didn't know whether to be furious or worried. Then Edelgard finally got there, and boy did things get weird after that."

"First of all, she had dyed her hair black. She was wearing far too much makeup and far too little of anything else. I just… snapped. I started reading her the riot act over all the trouble she was causing, especially flouting the dress code like that. And that's when I found out she'd changed her name along with her appearance."

Rhea frowned. "The von Hresvelg name is one of the most important in all of Fódlan. What could she have wished to change it to?"

Manuela sighed. "Midnight Edel'gard Melancholia Void Madden."

"What" Rhea said. It was less a question than a reflex. "What kind of a name is that?"

"I admit that I am quite confused by the decision as well." Flayn interjected. "I do not see why Edelgard would feel the need to add a glottal stop to her name."

"How should I know what kind of name it is!?" Manuela asked. "The rest of the class eventually arrived, and it turns out that Edelgard wasn't the only one who had given herself a makeover. Everyone-" she hiccupped, her composure starting to break down again, "Everyone was either covered in leather or barely covered by anything. Faces were made up like a gang of clowns who'd never heard of comedy. And it seems there had been a contest to see who could give themselves the worst name."

"Hubert was 'Nosferatu'. Caspar was 'Oni'. I don't even know what either of those are supposed to mean. Ferdinand became… 'Loose Fur', I believe. He seemed to like shouting it as much as his old name. Linhardt… well, he was still 'Linhardt'. Whatever was going on hadn't made him less lazy. Dorothea was now 'Bloody Rose', Bernadetta was 'Tombstone', and Petra… honestly, between her messing up so many words and her grammar still being bad I can't understand anything she says. Of course, none of them could get their new names right to save their lives, either. I… got a little angry… and started calling Edelgard 'Madnoot', but I don't think she even noticed.

"When I asked them what they were doing, they said it was because they'd all become 'Goffs'. "

Rhea's face contorted in a confused frown. "I don't believe I've ever heard anything like that in all my life. What, precisely, is a 'goff?'"

Ashe raised his hand. "I read a book once that mentioned an emperor fighting a tribe called the 'Goffs'- or at least, something like that, around the year 600."

"That wasn't the exact name, and they were hardly this insane." Seteth said to himself.

"Manuela, what happened after that?" Rhea asked.

"Well, I wish I could say that was the worst part of the day. But it got worse. It got so much worse. I started on a lesson in tactics, but partway through the lesson…" Her breathing became labored, and her voice starting cracking. "Edelgard and Ferdinand… they started… they started…" Manuela began sobbing. "Why would they do that? Why? Who does that in the middle of a classroom full of people? WHY?"

Rhea looked to the other members of the faculty. "What happened during that class? What did they do?"

Hanneman cleared his throat. "The two of them climbed up on one of the tables and then began, as the young people say, 'having an Almyran debate'".

The wave of embarrassment that washed over the room was palpable. Faces turned red. Nervous coughs erupted left and right. Eye contact was suddenly at a premium. Rhea uncorked her bottle of wine and downed its entire contents in a single gulp. Awkwardness was everywhere. Except for Flayn.

"I am sorry, Manuela, but I do not see why them debating during class would be so distressing. Certainly, that is disruptive and disrespectful to you as a professor, but this hardly seems worse than their proceeding conduct."

Rhea pulled Seteth to the side and whispered angrily in his ear, "Have you had _the talk _with her?"

"Don't be absurd." Seteth whispered back. "We had that _centuries _ago."

"Well, you see Flayn," Sylvain said, "The first thing you do for an Almyran debate is you take your clothes off and-" Sylvain was cut off by a sudden, odd feeling, as if gravity had just become many times stronger and the earth itself was trying to swallow him. It was probably just the result of Seteth glaring at him, but it was enough to convince him to be quiet.

"That is enough, Felix." Said Flayn, suddenly red-faced. "I believe I understand what you are currently implying."

"I don't." Cyril piped up. "I don't remember anybody back in Almyra getting naked just to argue with each other."

"Would you like me to have _the Talk _with him?" Seteth whispered to Rhea.

"If you don't mind." Rhea whispered back. "Manuela, could you please-" she stopped when she realized Manuela had collapsed into a crying ball on the ground. "Take some time off for your health?"

Dimitri raised his hand. "May I speak, Lady Rhea?"

"You may." Rhea said.

"My housemates and I became aware of the Black Eagles'… sudden eccentricities right away." Dimitri said. "Not long after, we had a minor incident with out laundry, as you can see." Dimitri said, gesturing to the pink uniforms all of the Blue Lions save Flayn were wearing.

"And I am so super extra sorry about that, you guys." Annette said.

"Unfortunately, Edelgard and the others seemed to take it poorly, and they became very hostile towards all of us." Dimitri said.

"They really have it in for my singing." Annette said. "And for some reason they all think my name is Brittany."

"They keep picking fights with me." Felix said. "They're also way behind on practice, so it doesn't work out very well for them."

"They're hogging all the library books about ghosts." Mercedes said. "I offered to try telling a few stories for them, but they said I can't do it right because I'm a 'prep'. I don't even know what that means."

"After this point, I became concerned about them myself." Flayn said. " And so I attempted to get closer to them. I made an outfit in a style that resembles theirs," She gestured towards her current outfit: A shirt with the words **DUSK FOR NIGHT** written across it, a skirt as brief as a conversation with Dedue, and stockings she had made from a discarded net from the fishing pond. Rhea suspected the whole outfit would meet a fiery end as soon as she took it off. She was wearing makeup, applied at the instruction of Annette and Mercedes in a careful, tasteful way that was completely at odds with the way the Black Eagles wore it.

"Sadly, my efforts have been for naught. Although I have repeatedly come to them saying that I wish to become their compatriot in recusancy, they have repeated rejected me."

"I think you're a little too… well-spoken to be like them, Flayn." Annette said.

"Or maybe it's because they're obsessed with black, and you're wearing nothing but salmon pink." Felix said.

Flayn frowned. "But this is such a lovely color! Surely it looks better than black." She said.

"I've had some trouble myself." Byleth said. "I tried inviting them to choir practice to improve relationships, but all of them refuse to attend. They say they can't attend any worship of the Goddess because all of them now worship some god called Stan."

"I have been asked about it before," Dedue said, "but there is no god among the pantheon of Duscur with a name like Stan. Or any of their other misnamings."

"When I was working the kitchen the other day," Gilbert said, "'Nosferatu' came up to me and demand that I give him blood because he's a 'vrompir'."

"It's a sort of monster from rural folklore." Seteth said. "A dead body that comes back to life and eats people. Sometimes they can turn into wolves."

"Naturally, I couldn't serve him actual blood, so I mixed up some spinach-and-tomato juice while he wasn't looking and told him it was blood. If he's figured it out, he hasn't told me yet." Gilbert said.

"Catherine and I were leading a detachment of knights through the woods the other day. " Alois said. "We'd heard reports of a massive, dangerous beast in the area. While we were looking, we found Midnight and Oni… uh… having a very spirited debate against a tree. Catherine got mad and upbraided them with some very _colorful_ language."

"What?" Catherine said defensively. "I had a headache. I mean, before we found them "debating" in the middle of a monster-infested forest." She let out an annoyed sigh. "Back when I was a student, when we wanted to "debate", we'd sneak into the larder and do in on the flour sacks-"

Seteth cleared his throat angrily. "While Edelgard and Caspar were being lead back to the monastery, Edelgard became sullen and announced her plan to cut herself. Alois became concerned, and immediately reported the matter to me."

Rhea frowned. "_That _is certainly cause for concern."

"Indeed." Seteth said. "While I believe in respecting the student's privacy-" he tried to ignore the angry snort Flayn gave- "I mounted my wyvern and attempted to observe Edelgard through her window. I did, indeed, witness Edelgard attempting to cut her wrists. With a piece of raw beef."

"What" Rhea said. Again.

"Wait a minute, didn't you just drink a whole bottle of wine a minute ago?" Felix said.

"Thankfully, she was unharmed, though I imagine her wrists were rather greasy. Unfortunately, she became aware that I was outside her window. She then proceeded to accuse me of… _improprieties…_ and attacked me with magic.

Gasps came up from those assembled.

"She used an odd version of Sagittae that produced far more projectiles than normal." Seteth said. "It was also far weaker than normal. None of them had any effect, but it seemed prudent to leave. I asked her about it later, and she claimed that she, too, is a 'vormpir' and can only be harmed by a steak. Unfortunately, it has become very difficult to talk with her further."

"I've gotten some mixed messages from her." Claude said. "She started calling me and the rest of the Golden Deer 'punks', but she seems to mean it in some affectionate way? She said we were allies against the 'preps'. And then she just started ignoring us. Or at least, I thought she was. Yesterday I walked up to her at lunch, took all of her food, and ran away. She didn't even notice. I went back and stole everyone else's lunch too, and none of them noticed either. I'm not sure they can even tell we exist anymore. Can you imagine? The Golden Deer are such a loveable cast of characters. Who would want to ignore us?"

"The last time I saw Edelgard, she was running around with an empty scabbard, claiming it was a machine that could send people through time." Catherine said. "She thinks she's gone back to when the Four Saints attended Garreg Mach."

"But that never happened." Mercedes said. "All of the Saints predate Garreg Mach. None of them ever set foot here." There was a sudden chorus of awkward coughs from Rhea, Seteth, and Flayn.

"Yeah, I think it's pretty obvious that Edelgard and reality aren't on speaking terms right now." Catherine said.

"But just earlier today, we had a breakthrough." Hanneman said. "With a little help from the Blue Lions, I was able to give Hubert a proper examination."

"When you say 'a little help'…" Seteth said.

"Felix punched him out, and Dimitri carried him." Annette said.

"No, seriously, Rhea just drank a whole bottle of wine. Why is nobody else talking about this?" Felix said.

"And I believe that I have found the culprit for their behavior. For you see, Hubert tested positive for a Crest." Hanneman said.

"Impossible." Seteth said. "He was tested when he first came, and he was certainly Crestless. It would take some very unusual circumstances for him to develop one." Seteth said, looking at Flayn for some reason. Flayn simply shook her head.

"It should not be possible, and yet he did." Hanneman held up a scrap of paper triumphantly. It had a pentacle drawn on it. "Just like this. A Crest that has never been seen before in Fódlan."

Rhea pulled Seteth aside again. "Were there any of our siblings that had a Crest like that?"

"No, and I can't imagine mother putting up with that sort of behavior." Seteth answered.

"While it has long been _theorized_ that Crests have some effect on behavior, I believe that I have proof of it. Of course, I will need to test the other Black Eagles to see if they have this Crest-"

"Just give the word." Felix said while popping his knuckles.

"In light of the unusual religious ideation it seems to spur, I have dubbed it the Crest of Stan. Once I have samples from all of the Black Eagles, I hope to better understand its unusual properties." Hanneman said.

"I see. That does sound interesting." Rhea said. "But will you be able to get the Black Eagles back to normal?"

"Er, well, I think I might be able to figure something out in maybe… six or seven years?"

**"SEVEN YEARS!?" **asked every non-Hanneman person in the room.

"At most. I think. But I promise you, Lady Rima, that I will do everything that I can to help." Hanneman said.

"Pardon me, Professor Hanneman," Dimitri said, "But I believe you got lady Rhea's name wrong."

"I did not! Shut up, you stupid prep!" Hanneman said.

The silence in the room was palpable as everyone came to the same unpleasant realization.

"And now I've got a real headache." Catherine said.

"Brother," Flayn whispered to Seteth, "Does this mean that we will have to fake our deaths and move to Dagda?"

Seteth sighed. "Most likely."

Flayn frowned. "Not again."

**Author's Note: I like this story, but on a conceptual level it's probably one of the dumbest things I've ever written. **_**Three Houses **_**has attracted a lot of comparisons to **_**Harry Potter,**_** so naturally my brain came up with a connection to the most famous of **_**Harry Potter **_**fanfics, **_**My Immortal.**_** My initial idea was more of a multi-chapter pastiche of **_**My Immortal**_** with the cast of **_**Three Houses,**_** but this concept seemed more original- inasmuch as this idea can be called "original"- and funnier.**

** Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

…_and I woz wearing a black leather miniskirt, a black choker, long black boots, a Paraless teeshirt, black leather stockings, studded black leather armbands, a read jacket that said Bludnite on th back, black leather stockings, fingerless gloves, n black leather pants. I wnet 2 lunch with Nosfratu when that fukkin poser Flan came up and asted if shee could sit wiff us. Nasdaq started 2 flipp her off sexily and I sed go away u fukkin prep zuc she waz wearin pink an she ran awiy cryin. Den we wnt back 2 my room nd started makin out depressively. W was aboot to have un alyran deb8 wen suddenly de toor opined nd a gui stepped in. He was dressed all in black butt it was obvius he wasn't goffic. It wuz….Thales!_

_Tallest came into my room an sed "Edelgar'd wut r u muthrfucker I tolled u 2 kill Phea. Stop writin in ur jurnall rite now afore I-_

Midnight Edel'gard Melancholia Void Madden never got finish writing the rest of that sentence because Thales, Supreme Leader of Those Who Slither In The Dark ripped her journal out of her hands and obliterated it with a burst of dark magic. "You have always been needlessly obstinate. Always given us some prattle about our supposed wrongdoing to feed your delusion of moral superiority before following orders. But do not think that this inane farce of yours amuses us. There will be _severe _consequences for ignoring your orders, and they will only get worse if you continue to defy me."

Edel'gard rolled her eyes. "Oh my fuckig Stan, yuu ar an asscave. I cant kill her cous I'm too DEPRESSED."

Thales stared blankly as his brain reluctantly accepted the only logical explanation. "This isn't an act, is it? You really are _this_ dumb."

"Im nut dumb!" Edel'gard responded

"Not helping your case." Thales said.

"I wan tto kill dat effin prep Freya but eye dont have eny way 2 do it." Edel'gard said.

"Hey mun fuckoff!" Hubert said. "Moodneet and me wus just about 2 dbat an-"

Thales preempted any further complaining from 'Nosferatu' by shoving him out into the hall and slamming the door shut. He currently had no pants on, but Thales was glad to make that somebody else's problem.

"You have been granted power beyond any other human, you are the heir to the Empire that controls half of Fódlan, and have enough money to buy the other half, on top of the magic and technology we have being leagues beyond anything you beasts possess. Tell me, what could be so difficult about killing that one overgrown lizard?" Thales asked.

There was a banging at the door, followed by more borderline incoherent ranting. Thales ignored it.

"Cause shes got guardzz and Sethet and she punches people wizely." Edel'gard said. "I just want 2 cut mój wriststs and debate with Nosferathreee."

"Nd I want to debat wid u 2." Hubert yelled from the other side of the door.

"Well too bad!" Thales said, his already meager patience at an end. "Either you kill Rhea, or I will _personally _kill off all of your paramours, beginning with that imbecile at the door."

Edel'gard's face suddenly lit up. "OMS I just got an Idee." she said before jumping out her window.

"…We are on the second floor." Thales said, purely to himself at this point. "And you are not dressed, either."

Hubert continued banging on the door. "Lejt me in! I wantto-"

"Hey, Hubert!" came another voice at the door.

"Wut?" Hubert asked.

"Sparring Time!" Felix yelled, followed by the unmistakable sound of someone getting punched in the face and an abrupt cessation of knocking.

Thales let out a loud sigh. "Why do I always get stuck with the lame henchmen?"

**SCENE**

Byleth seemed to be floating in an empty, directionless void. His limbs each weighed as much as a mountain. Something in the back of his head told him he needed to move, but he was all right with staying where he was.

"Byleeeth." A voice came to him, "Byleeeeth. You need to get up, Byleth. They need you."

Byleth felt one of his fingers moving. It didn't feel quite as heavy anymore."

"You need to get up, kid." That voice was so familiar. Why couldn't Byleth put a name to it? "Your brats are in trouble. They need you."

Byleth was laying on his back.

"Professor!" Yet another voice yelled, accompanied by the cooling feeling of healing magic. "Please, awaken! We need you!"

Byleth opened his eyes. Flayn, Mercedes, and Manuela were all kneeling over him.

"He's finally awake." Mercedes said.

"Maybe this whole nightmare is over." Manuela said.

Byleth pushed himself up. They were in the cathedral, which seemed abnormally full of people. He could see a cooking fire set up outside one of the doors, with a nun ladling out a thin soup to a line of religious, refugees, and merchants. A crude stage and curtain had been set up before the altar.

The air was suddenly forced from Byleth's lungs as Flayn gave him a surprisingly strong hug. "Thank the Progenitor! We have been so lost without you!"

Byleth managed to wriggle out and get some air back in his lungs. "What happened?" he asked.

"The Goffs happened." It was Dimitri. Whatever had happened while Byleth had been out had taken quite its toll on him. One eye was covered with an eye patch, and his remaining eye carried a pain beyond any Byleth had ever seen. "They stormed the audience hall. We barely got out alive."

"We'd thought it was just the Black Eagles, but it seems that a lot of people at Garreg Mach were infected. And they all follow whatever Edelgard tells them to do." Manuela said. "Catherine, Alois, and Gilbert tried to hold them off, but

"We've been holed up here in the cathedral ever since. We've barely kept ourselves fed by raiding the rest of the monastery." Mercedes said.

"We lost sight of the Golden Deer during our escape." Flayn said. "We have not been able to find them since. They, too, have most likely become goffs."

"We've taken to banishing anyone who shows signs of turning." Manuela said. "We've probably thrown out a bunch of people who just misspoke, but oh well."

"It is wholly possible that we could be overrun at any moment. Or worse, that we too will change." Flayn said. "If I do… go… please remember me as I am now, and not after I decided that 'Bloodheart' would be a good name."

"What happened to me after they stormed the Audience Hall?" Byleth asked.

"We were cornered, so Lady Rhea ordered everyone to escape the only way we could: through the window." Mercedes said.

"And just like a gallant knight, you picked me up and were the very first to break through the window." Manuela said.

"An action that, while impressive, was unnecessary because you could have simply _opened _that window." Said Seteth, who had just arrived.

"What happened next?" Byleth asked. "What took me out? Was there an ambush waiting on the ground?"

"No, I am afraid that was a somewhat less impressive development." Flayn said. "Mercedes jumped out almost immediately after and landed on top of you."

"To think that my butt could do what none of our enemies could." Mercedes said.

"And now we live here, eking out our meager existence while we still have anything resembling sanity." Dimitri said. "Our only remaining joy is-"

Dimitri was cut off as the crowd of people around the stage began an excited chant of "Bri-ta-ny! Bri-ta-ny!" The curtain was abruptly pulled back, revealing Annette on the stage. She waved to the crowd as the chant gave way to a roaring cheer.

"And so we are now." Dimitri lamented as Annette launched into a rather cheery song. "Forced to the periphery, clad only in the garishly colored clothing that we took with us, and fixated on peppy music. We have become the very 'preps' they accused us of being."

"Is that what 'prep' means?" Byleth whispered to Manuela. She shrugged in return.

"Perhaps we should be proud to have their contempt, though. It seems better than their approval." Dimitri said.

"Oh, Dimitri. What happened to you? What left you so bitter? Was it what took your eye?"

Dimitri frowned. "I didn't lose my eye." He said.

"So what's with the eye patch?" Byleth asked.

"Oh, he's got pinkeye." Manuela said.

"I'm back." Said Felix, walking in from the direction of the bridge. He was carrying a bag of flour in one hand and a wheel of cheese in the other. "The Boar hasn't been getting to melodramatic, has he?"

"There is nothing left for any of us in this hovel. Let us cease this insipid and take our vengeance." Dimitri said.

Felix let out a sigh. "He always gets like this when he's hungry." Felix said before shot-putted the cheese to Dimitri, who caught it in one hand. "Eat up, Boar."

Dimitri did so with gusto.

"Felix, wasn't Sylvain with you?" Mercedes asked. "What happened to him? Where is he?"

"Dead." Felix said.

"No." Byleth said, his blood running cold. "No, that can't be. No." Manuela placed a hand on Byleth's shoulder. Flayn put a hand on the other.

"Do you have any new information for us? Have there been any new developments?" Seteth asked Felix.

Felix nodded. "Yeah, actually we do. As you know, the average goff spends most of their time moping, sulking, buying clothes, changing clothes, loaning their friends clothes, getting into fights with their friends over clothes, and getting involved with nonsensical romantic entanglements. But we-" he let out an annoyed sigh. "-Sylvain- was able to figure another thing they're obsessed with: Music. There's going to be a performance in the village tonight by some musician called 'My Chemical Charlotte', whoever she is."

"That is wonderful news!" said yet another newcomer, Rhea, who was currently holding something red. "Tonight we will be able to make our move!"

"Our move to do what?" Byleth asked.

Seteth shook his head. "I don't know either. We could try getting into Hanneman's room to collect his notes and machinery, but we don't have anyone here who could match his knowledge of Crests. I don't know how much progress we could make."

"Oh, my foolish brother," Rhea said. "We have no reason to focus on such paltry steps."

"I do not know what you mean, Lady Rhea." Seteth said. "Particularly why you are calling me 'brother' as _we are not related at all._" The last part said through gritted teeth.

"We have no reason to hide now, brother. For our mother, the Progenitor Goddess Sothis-" Byleth abruptly winced as if some unheard voice had suddenly shouted directly into his ear. "has given us the only means we need to finally crush our enemies."

Seteth blanched. "You don't mean you're going to-"

"But of course, brother." Rhea said. "Tonight, the might warrior Ishmael Mundi, champion of the Goddess, shall vanquish all of our enemies and lead us into a golden age!"

"Who?" asked every non-Rhea person present.

"And why are you holding that crab?" Flayn asked.

Rhea looked confused. "Did I not explain the matter of Ishmael Mundi properly, niece?"

"Ishmael Mundi… is a crab?" Felix asked.

"Yes." Rhea said.

"The Goddess' champion, our savior, is a crab." Felix said.

"Yes." Rhea said.

"Why is Ishmael Mundi a crab?" Byleth asked.

Rhea rolled her eyes. "I don't know, mom. Why did you make him a crab?"

"Rhea," Seteth said with a very careful tone, "have you been sleeping properly? Have you had a good, _long _sleep recently? Because you can start acting a tad… odd… when you don't."

"No." Rhea said. "But I'm just fine."

"We're doomed." Felix said.

Byleth pushed himself to his feet. "No, we're not. I'm not going to lose any more of my students! Never again! We just need more information, and I think I know how to get it." Byleth turned his eyes to the sky. "Father, I heard your voice. I'll take care of my brats-"

"And screw you, too." Felix said.

"I'll deliver them from their years of suffering. All I ask is that you watch over me, one more time." Byleth said.

"Uh, kid?" Jeralt said. "I'm right over here, and still kicking."

"Also, professor, we have only been in the cathedral for twenty-six minutes." Flayn added.

**SCENE**

Thales, Supreme Leader of the Independent Domain of Agartha, was currently slumped over a table in the library, crying to himself.

"Don't despair, my lord," His subordinate Solon said to him.

"Yeah, c'mon boss." His other subordinate, Kronya, said. "I know what'll make you feel better!"

"We can't kill her, Kronya." Solon said.

"Hey! What makes you think I was going to say that?" Kronya asked.

"Because you have the problem-solving skills of a rabid dog that missed a meal, hasn't slept in two days, and just got kicked in the head by a mule." Solon said matter-of-factly.

"I do not!" Kronya said.

"So what _was _your idea, then?" Solon asked.

"W-well… well… Why can't we kill her?" Kronya said.

"Because making another dual Crest bearer would be a colossal pain in the ass!" Solon replied.

"I-it's alright. I'm fine, now." Thales said, wiping away the last of his tears. "She has so much going for her already, maybe she can't screw it up."

"That's the spirit, sire." Solon said. "After all, if someone as dumb as Kronya can succeed at anything, I'm sure she can."

"Hey!"

"Yeah, I think she can" Thales said before letting out a deep breath. "Thank you for your help, Stolon. I'm sure she'll be able to kill the lizard's leader."

Solon and Kronya both frowned. "Boss, you told me the plan _wasn't _just to run up and kill her, remember? I kept asking about it." Kronya said.

"Indeed." Solon added. "None of our heroic schemes involve just going up and killing them. And if we really needed to kill the Fell Star's lieutenant, you still have my proposal."

"The spell that makes orphans explode when you hug them?" Kronya asked.

"And furthermore, sire, my name isn't Sto-" Solon was cut off when the door to the library suddenly burst open and a group of students rushed inside.

"Barricade the door!" Claude yelled. Raphael shoved a bookcase in front of the offending ingress.

"I have to say, Claude, this is truly a brilliant plan you have." Lysithea said. "I'm sure nobody would ever expect us to run back into the building we just escaped from. And now we're safely in the library, where we can subsist on a diet of paper. It's perfect!"

"Really, Lysithea, praising such an inane plan? I thought you were supposed to be smarter than this." Lorenz said.

Lysithea stared at him blankly. "Could you guys let me back out? Becoming a brain-dead moron sounds better than being with you right now."

"Oh yeah?" Raphael said, uncharacteristically annoyed. "Well if you're so smart, why'd you go along with this dumb plan?"

"That's enough!" Claude yelled. "Look, I know this wasn't my best scheme ever-"

"It's pretty close."

"Thank you, Hilda." Claude said.

"Oh, no, that wasn't a compliment." Hilda said.

"-but I was worried about Thomas. He's getting up there in years, and he might hurt himself if he decides to start running around in a corset and heels."

"I think we're a little late for that." Ignatz said, pointing to Solon.

Solon briefly glanced behind himself and saw that Thales and Kronya had already teleported out. No matter. He could handle this.

"You fools! The one you knew as Thomas is dead! I am Solon, Dark Pontifex of Those Who Slither In The Dark, and-"

"Yeah, he's a goff now." Claude said, annoyed.

"'Those Who Slither in the Dark'? You really tried to hard on that name." Leonie said.

Lysithea was watching him in stunned silence.

"I am not one of those blasted imbeciles!" Solon protested.

"He isn't messing up every third word." Lorenz said.

"But he's even worse with his makeup!" Hilda protested. "Look at him! He looks a corpse!"

Lysithea's stunned looked resolved into a cruel, twisted, evil grin. "Oh, he's definitely a goff. We'll have to lock him up- for his own good, of course."

"Yeah, probably." Claude said. "Hey, Raphael, could you stick Thomas in that conveniently placed empty trunk over there?"

"I knew I should have put that away." Solon mumbled under his breath. Raphael promptly picked him up and gently placed him in the chest.

"Sorry, Thomas. We'll help you get better in a bit." Raphael said. He was quite sincere, although Solon was too busy shouting every curse he could think of to pay attention.

Claude watched as Raphael locked Solon in the chest. "Well, I don't think this can get any worse."

Six of his classmates promptly glared at him.

He put up his hands defensively. "Okay, still not on the ball. But right now we've got at least a little time to formulate our next move."

Lysithea let out an annoyed, dramatic sigh. "Well, I think I've got a plan. The first thing we need to do is-"

Lysithea was interrupted by Marianne upending a bottle of ink onto her head. All eyes turned to Marianne.

"Marianne," said Lysithea, gathering magic around her hand, "Why did you pour ink on my head?"

"Beecause yur hair is white., and Stan hates wit." Marianne said.

"Aaaaand how did we miss that Marianne was becoming a goff?" Claude asked.

"Probably because she barely talks." Raphael said.

"This is your fault too, Clause." Lysithea said.

**SCENE**

"This isn't going well." Byleth said. He and Dedue were currently in the dining hall. It was mealtime, and the goffs had gathered to eat before the two of them had come in. Most eyes in the room were now glaring at them.

"I agree, professor." Dedue whispered to him. "It looks as if their food is mostly chocolates, and I think they may have covered them in cow blood."

"I'd thought the disguises would work. Does my makeup look okay?" Byleth asked.

"It is by far the worst Ingrid has ever done. You look just like the rest of them." Dedue said. "Perhaps you should have tried changing your clothes."

"I'm already wearing black. You're the one who should have changed clothes." Byleth whispered back.

"They didn't have anything else in my size." Dedue said.

Bernadetta, currently wearing the most un-Bernadettaesque outfit Byleth could imagine, stood up and jabbed an accusing finger at them. "**Posers!**" she yelled, with a palpable hatred.

"Oh my fucking Stan!" Edelgard yelled, immediately drawing every gaze in the room to her. "Tom Stone, are your wearin my belt?"

"I-I wuz just burrowing it! \\\\\" Bernadetta replied.

"Shut up u fukkin bike poser your not my friend any more!" Edelgard yelled back. She then went back to her meal, having seemingly forgotten about Byleth and Dedue. The rest of the Goffs followed suit. Bernadetta slumped over in her chair, defeated.

"Well, at least our target made this easy." Byleth said to himself. He and Dedue made their way to Bernadetta.

"Do you have the burlap sack?" Byleth asked.

Dedue blinked. "I thought you had it." He said.

Byleth let out a large sigh. "Okay, what's our plan B?"

"I have an idea." Said Dedue, with an annoyed sigh. "Bernadetta-" Becoming a Goff had apparently done wonders for her ability to glare at people. "My apologies. Tombstone. I would like for you to come with me."

The glaring gave way to confusion, which was hopefully a good sign. "Why?"

"Because I… um, that is, I…"

Byleth groaned. He tried very, very hard not to think to himself that there was no way this situation could get any worse.

"BECAUSE… I LOVE YOU!" Dedue said. And because it was Dedue, everyone from there to Sreng had heard it.

_The Goddess truly has a cruel sense of humor, _Byleth thought to himself.

"Hey, don't blame me for this." Sothis said. "That was one hundred percent Dedue."

"U… …. Love me?" 'Tombstone' asked. Byleth thought she might have been blushing under her makeup. "{But you're a prep! Your still whereing pink!"

Dedue looked to Byleth for help. Byleth gave him a gesture to try to communicate that this situation was far beyond logic.

"I MAY BE A BLUE LIONS STUDENT," Dedue paused, trying to wrench up his courage, "BUT I AM ALSO A STANIST!"

"Oak A!" Bernadetta said, and took off out of the dining hall. The two of them had to rush to keep up.

They followed Bernadetta into the garden. She stopped, turned, and looked expectantly at Dedue.

So it came as quite a shock when he punched her in the face.

Bernadetta crumpled into an unconscious heap. Dedue gradually became aware of Byleth attempting to glare a hole through his back.

"Dedue?" Byleth asked. It was Byleth's usual sort of calm voice; it was a false, belabored calmness.

"Y-yes, professor?" Dedue said.

"Why did you punch out Bernadetta?" Byleth asked.

"Because I- um, that is… I… I…" Dedue drew in a deep breath, long and slow, before responding with a meek "I am not… good… with… well, matters of the heart…"

"And does that mean it's okay to punch Bernadetta in the face?" Byleth asked cajolingly.

"No, it does not." Dedue said.

"Good. If we make it through this, you're going to be taking some remedial classes in-"

"Hey what are u doin?" asked Caspar, who had abruptly shown up in the garden. "Wide you hit Tómbstone?"

"Because… Because I am a cannibal. I am going to eat her." Dedue said.

If Byleth hadn't been emotionally dead for his entire life, he would have given his forehead a hard slap in frustration. From the sound echoing in his head, it seemed Sothis had somehow found a way to do so herself.

"Kowai." Said Caspar, giving an approving nod before walking away.

SCENE

Catherine slowly came to. She didn't know where she was, but she knew she had a terrible headache. This wasn't the first time that had happened, but usually she had had more fun before it did.

She pushed herself into a sitting position and took a look around. She was in an old storeroom, filled with crates of varying sizes strewn about with no particular organization. A thin layer of dust covered almost every surface. Two flickering torches on opposite walls provided the only light.

"You're awake. Good."

Catherine scrambled to her feet. She reached for her sword before realizing that it wasn't hanging from her waist. She put up her fists instead. She could reasonably expect to kill an opponent, even an armored one, with her bare hands. Probably.

"You do realize I'm not planning on fighting you, right?" It was only then that Catherine realized the voice was very familiar.

"Shamir?'" Catherine asked, looking around.

"Correct." Shamir said, stepping into view. "I'm happy to see that you're awake. I was worried about you." She said in a tone that sounded bored and vaguely annoyed.

"That's… a little hard to believe, honestly." Catherine said.

"What are you implying?" Shamir asked.

"I never really did know what your name meant. It's Dagdan, right? It wouldn't happen to mean something like 'Dark Skull' would it?"

Shamir stared at her for a long moment. "Are you implying that I am a goff?"

"Your wardrobe _is _ninety percent black leather." Catherine said.

"You are correct that 'Shamir' is a Dagdan name. It refers to a species of daisy that's quite common in Dagda. They're renowned for their delicate beauty." Shamir said, never changing her tone.

"Wha- You're named after a flower? _You?"_ Catherine asked.

"What's wrong with my name? I think's quite lovely." Shamir said. "Moreover, I am very hurt that you thought that I was a goff. You are one of my dearest friends in the world, and I thought you would be more trusting."

"Yeah, you sound really broken up about it." Catherine said. "Can you knock off the sarcasm and just tell me the truth already?"

"I have been nothing but truthful to you." Shamir said. "I am not actually able to change tones. When I was a girl, I fell and took a hard blow to the head. Since then, I am only capable of talking like this. I am actually a crippingly shy person, but talking like this convinces people that I'm being terse out of disinterest rather than fear, so I allow misconceptions."

Catherine stared at her blankly. "You're being sarcastic, right?"

"Isn't the truth obvious?" Shamir said in the exact same tone.

"Becoming a goff is starting to sound more appealing than dealing with this." Catherine said.

SCENE

Byleth was not sure what to call the part of the building they were currently on. It was on the north side of the bridge, was open to the air, and had some benches you could sit on to enjoy the view of the massive chasm. Was it a balcony? Landing? Mezzanine? His father had never taught him about architecture. He was never interested in architecture. Why was he thinking about architecture now?

"Ised NO." said Bernadetta.

Oh, that was why. They weren't getting any information out of Bernadetta and he was bored.

"Listen to me," said Felix, cracking his knuckles to punctuate his words. "I don't care about whatever stupid musicians you're so obsessed-"

Bernadetta gasped. "You don't like Bluetnachtdunkeltodkueche?"

"No, now start talking about why you became this annoying or else."

"Yeh well bringit ONE!" Bernadetta said.

Felix stared at her, baffled. "You're still tied to a chair, remember?"

"I must say, Bernadetta, I'm proud of you. You've really gotten brave." Mercedes said. "You're not even afraid of having your fingers broken."

Bernadetta looked at her with confusion. "Wut no im not."

"You're not, really?" Mercedes said with a well-feigned gasp, "Well, that's a surprise. Because you're sure acting like somebody who's not afraid of having her fingers broken." She punctuated the point by pulling a hammer out of her sleeve.

"What are you two doing?" Seteth asked. "You are not going to harm one of your fellow students to get information. That is cruel, immoral, reprehensible, and a completely ineffective way of getting information."

Felix shrugged. "I read about it in a book."

"You _must_ find better books to read, Felix." Said a newcomer, Ashe. "Please, allow me to try something."

Felix and Mercedes took a step to the side to let Ashe approach.

"Hello, Bernadetta." Ashe said. "Do you see what I have here?"

"Is that-"

"Chocolate cake." Ashe said. "Moist, dark chocolate with raspberry frosting made to look like fresh blood. And it's all yours if you tell us why you became a goff."

"There's no way this is going to-"

"Midnite red us all a book about bein goff." Bernadetta said. "n then we all decided we waned 2 b gofs."

"And do you know where that book is?" Ashe asked.

"In her room. she nevr takes it out." Bernadetta said.

Byleth nodded. "Okay, we have our target now. Let's go get ready for tonight." He turned and walked off to the cathedral. His students and Seteth followed suit.

"HEEEEYY" Bernadetta yelled after them. "U ddnt give me n.e. cake!"

**Author's Note: I hadn't originally planned this to be a multi-chapter fic, but then I got some ideas.**


End file.
